Is this a good college admissions essay?
Asked by theatarisarelovehttp://members.tripod.com/aliciaisonfire3/essay.html any feedback is welcome, especially tips for improvement.. thank you!!
Favorite Answer
Answered by mohammeddchami22
Discuss your academic interest and career goals and describe your view of how Bridgewater State College can facilitate your success. In having read your college admission essay, I would suggest that you rewrite the first two paragraphs. College admission officers are busy people with time limits on how long they can spend evaluating each individual essay. The first two paragraphs do not address the essasies topic but rather beat around the bush. I would advise you to get straight to the point. Also, there is a negative tone to the essay that needs to be eliminated. Negative essay implies a negative person=college admission rejection. "One of my closest and most trusting friends attends Bridgewater and loves it. This in itself is enough motivation to attend Bridgewater" This needs to be removed. You do not want admission personal thinking that this is the reason you are want to attend Bridgewater. The fact that your applying for college implies your an adult whom is able to make constructive decisions. Also, you will be spending an x amount of years and dollars when attending college. Do not make the mistake of attending a particular college because a friend is a student there, however close and personal you are. No one will have as much vested interest in accomplishing your dreams/ambitions as you. Do not allow yourself to be lead blindly. During my senior year of high school, we both visited the beautiful campus and were very impressed, and I knew from day one that this was the kind of environment I could see myself achieving. What impressed you in particular about Bridgewater? You need to include specifics not just because it was a beautiful campus. Did you attend a class and thus was impressed by the level of professor-student interaction. Are there professors at Bridgewater that led you to want to attend the college? "I write this admissions essay with naked wrists that were once covered with bracelets used to hide mistakes, mistakes that served as reminders of my past and just how warped my perception of life was at the time. Music got me out of that rut and to have a career in the music business and industry would certainly be a dream-come-true. It is quite difficult to think of anything more rewarding in life than to have a beneficial college experience followed by the job of my dreams. I am looking to become inspired again and think a fresh start in a new school with new people and a new career path, one of which I fancy, will be just what I need to become the person I dream of becoming." Please redo this paragraph. It does not directly address the essay topic. Rather than write about your wanting to go into the music business/industry, describe experiences in your life that led you to choose music as a college major and future vocation. Need specifics. The world is full of wannabe music stars. You need to distance yourself from the pack. "Recently I stumbled across this quote, which states that life comes down to two things: having fun and having goals. I believe being a student at Bridgewater State College will allow me to achieve my goals while having the time of my life! Life is about not knowin, having to make changes, taking the chances while forgetting the risks, and making the absolute best if it, no matter what the circumstances may be. If I am accepted to Bridgewater State, I am going to keep that thought in mind, because this is one opportunity, one chance, I can make to positively affect my future." Please remove this from the essay. "Having fun" should not be the sole reason why you want to attend college. Colleges do have activity centers wherein students can get involved on-campus organizations. And I will admit that college is more than just attending classes and in that respect: Do you want to join an organization? Get involved in community service projects? Develop your leadership skills through a comprehensive leadership program? Enlighten your mind by educating yourself about different cultures? Read Dr. John Eliot's book "Overachievement: The New Model for Exceptional Performance".
Discuss your academic interest and career goals and describe your view of how Bridgewater State College can facilitate your success. In having read your college admission essay, I would suggest that you rewrite the first two paragraphs. College admission officers are busy people with time limits on how long they can spend evaluating each individual essay. The first two paragraphs do not address the essasies topic but rather beat around the bush. I would advise you to get straight to the point. Also, there is a negative tone to the essay that needs to be eliminated. Negative essay implies a negative person=college admission rejection. "One of my closest and most trusting friends attends Bridgewater and loves it. This in itself is enough motivation to attend Bridgewater" This needs to be removed. You do not want admission personal thinking that this is the reason you are want to attend Bridgewater. The fact that your applying for college implies your an adult whom is able to make constructive decisions. Also, you will be spending an x amount of years and dollars when attending college. Do not make the mistake of attending a particular college because a friend is a student there, however close and personal you are. No one will have as much vested interest in accomplishing your dreams/ambitions as you. Do not allow yourself to be lead blindly. During my senior year of high school, we both visited the beautiful campus and were very impressed, and I knew from day one that this was the kind of environment I could see myself achieving. What impressed you in particular about Bridgewater? You need to include specifics not just because it was a beautiful campus. Did you attend a class and thus was impressed by the level of professor-student interaction. Are there professors at Bridgewater that led you to want to attend the college? "I write this admissions essay with naked wrists that were once covered with bracelets used to hide mistakes, mistakes that served as reminders of my past and just how warped my perception of life was at the time. Music got me out of that rut and to have a career in the music business and industry would certainly be a dream-come-true. It is quite difficult to think of anything more rewarding in life than to have a beneficial college experience followed by the job of my dreams. I am looking to become inspired again and think a fresh start in a new school with new people and a new career path, one of which I fancy, will be just what I need to become the person I dream of becoming." Please redo this paragraph. It does not directly address the essay topic. Rather than write about your wanting to go into the music business/industry, describe experiences in your life that led you to choose music as a college major and future vocation. Need specifics. The world is full of wannabe music stars. You need to distance yourself from the pack. "Recently I stumbled across this quote, which states that life comes down to two things: having fun and having goals. I believe being a student at Bridgewater State College will allow me to achieve my goals while having the time of my life! Life is about not knowin, having to make changes, taking the chances while forgetting the risks, and making the absolute best if it, no matter what the circumstances may be. If I am accepted to Bridgewater State, I am going to keep that thought in mind, because this is one opportunity, one chance, I can make to positively affect my future." Please remove this from the essay. "Having fun" should not be the sole reason why you want to attend college. Colleges do have activity centers wherein students can get involved on-campus organizations. And I will admit that college is more than just attending classes and in that respect: Do you want to join an organization? Get involved in community service projects? Develop your leadership skills through a comprehensive leadership program? Enlighten your mind by educating yourself about different cultures? Read Dr. John Eliot's book "Overachievement: The New Model for Exceptional Performance".
