Admissions essay HELP!!!?
Asked by Love.Rock.I am applying for a week long summer program at a local prestigious high school. In a brief essay, I must describe what talents, bank of knowledge, special interests, etc., will I be bringing to them. This is my intro sp far. Any suggestions are MORE THAN WELCOME. As a 2007 ASMS Adventures in Math and Science Summer Program participant, I will bring my ambition, intelligence, creativity, and leadership skills to your program. From a young age, my parents have instilled in me the characteristics of a leader. Part of being a leader is having the drive and initiative to challenge yourself in all aspects of life and your program is the perfect opportunity for me to do that. If you have any suggestions, tips or anything of that nature please help. I really want to be accepted. By the way, I am 14 if that makes any difference Yes I wrote it myself and yes I am ready for it. I'm responsible and my parents must agree because they support megoing on my own for a week to attend this program. Thank you for your answer though.
Favorite Answer
Answered by Janet G
Your intro sounds wonderful. The only change that I think you should make is in the use of the word "yourself". The words you, your, and yourself should only be used when actually talking about a person specifically. A Quick fix would be to use the word "oneself" so that it applies to anyone. Also, you make two powerful points in the sentence so get rid of the "and" to make it two sentences. "Part of being a leader is having the drive and initiative to challenge oneself in all aspects of life. Your program is the perfect opportunity for me to do that." By the way, I just graduated college and you write better than many of the students in my senior writing class. Since you are applying fora math and science program, I am assuming you are talented in that area as well. That is really awesome. Congratulations on being such a stellar student! I wish you much luck!
Your intro sounds wonderful. The only change that I think you should make is in the use of the word "yourself". The words you, your, and yourself should only be used when actually talking about a person specifically. A Quick fix would be to use the word "oneself" so that it applies to anyone. Also, you make two powerful points in the sentence so get rid of the "and" to make it two sentences. "Part of being a leader is having the drive and initiative to challenge oneself in all aspects of life. Your program is the perfect opportunity for me to do that." By the way, I just graduated college and you write better than many of the students in my senior writing class. Since you are applying fora math and science program, I am assuming you are talented in that area as well. That is really awesome. Congratulations on being such a stellar student! I wish you much luck!
