College essay! Please revise! Please give me a few ideas on how to make it better.?
I'm open to ANY suggestions you may have. This is an essay I plan to send in along with my college application. The topic is; "express your educational and your professional career objectives" I can still hear my peers in my fifth grade class explaining how they all wanted to become doctors, lawyers, teachers, basketball players, or someone famous. That was not me. Although I had not decided on a career to pursue, I did know that I wanted to make something of myself and be successful in life. Growing up I have attended at least eleven different schools before I graduated high school. Most of these changes were due to my family seeking medical treatment for my younger brother. I do not feel bitter about these adjustments. I learned early to accept change and whatever issues I had I learned to express them through writing and poetry. Right know education is a main priority in my life. My objective is for me to complete college with a master’s degree in Health Care administration and also obtain a bachelor’s degree in Business. I understand that in college I will not have anyone there to push me to strive for my education. I’ll have to get it on my own. I know that in order for me to accomplish my goals I must work hard and study harder. I have a strong passion for helping people. I love giving advice to my family, as well as my friends. I am currently working as a counselor at “The Epilepsy Foundation of NJ” in a program called “Out-N-About”. Basically what we do is offer teens and young adults with disabilities group recreational and socialization opportunities. We take them bowling, shopping, to the movies, and to many restaurants. Working with individuals with disabilities has taught me a lot. It has taught me how to have patience and it has also taught me that even though they have a disability does not mean that they are not capable of doing the same things that people without a disability are capable of doing. Becoming a Health Care Administrator has not always been a something I wanted to do with my life. I actually wanted to go to school for nursing but, because of this huge phobia I have with blood I figured why not major in the next best thing. Every since my younger brother was diagnosed with cancer at an early age, I have always wanted to work in a hospital helping people that are not in good health. I also want to open up my own hair salon. I don’t plan to work in it; I just want to own it. Doing hair was something I have always done since I was about thirteen or fourteen years old. One of the reasons why I decided not to go to school for cosmetology is because, I easily get bored with doing hair. I plan to open up my first beauty salon in Georgia and then expand to different states across the East Coast. I want to make a difference. I know I can, but first I need to learn how to use my mind more effectively. Over the past few years I’ve learned by watching my co-workers, friends, and family that in order for me to accomplish my goals I must first complete my education. To Hi: You have been a wonderful help. I really appreciate your advice.
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So I just did some basic editing, corrected certain sentences, and moved some words around to make it flow better. I think it sounds like a great essay, the only problems I think you have are: the tangent you go on about a beauty shop (i think you should cut that out completely), and the last sentence should be more moving. Otherwise good job! ----------------------------------------------------------- I can still hear my peers in my fifth grade class explaining how they all wanted to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, basketball players, or somebody famous when they grew up. However, that was not me. Although I hadn't decided on a career to pursue yet, I knew that I eventually wanted to make something of myself and be successful in life. Over the years, I have attended at least eleven different schools. Most of these changes were due to my family seeking medical treatment for my younger brother. I don't feel bitter about these adjustments, for I learned to cope and express myself through writing and poetry Education is my biggest priority in my life right now. My objective is to complete college with a master’s degree in Health Care administration and to obtain a bachelor’s degree in Business. I understand that in college I will not have anyone there to push me, or make me strive to take advantage of my education. I’ll have to work and study on my own. I have a strong passion for helping people. I love giving advice to my family, as well as my friends. I am currently working as a counselor at “The Epilepsy Foundation of NJ” in a program called “Out-N-About”. Our basic goal is to offer disabled teens and young adults with recreational and socialization opportunities. We take them bowling, shopping, to the movies, and many outings to restaurants. Working with disabled individuals has taught me a lot. It has taught me how to have patience and that even though they have a handicap, it does not mean that they are not capable of living like everyone else. Becoming a Health Care Administrator has not always been a something I wanted to do with my life. I had formerly wanted to go to school for nursing but, because of my huge phobia of blood I figured I should major in the next best thing. Ever since my younger brother was diagnosed with cancer at an early age, I have always wanted to work in a hospital helping people that are not in good health. I also want to open up my own hair salon. I don’t plan to work in it; I just want to own it. Doing hair was something I have always done since I was about thirteen or fourteen years old. One of the reasons why I decided not to go to school for cosmetology is because, I easily get bored with doing hair. I plan to open up my first beauty salon in Georgia and then expand to different states across the East Coast. I want to make a difference. I know I can, but first I need to learn how to use my mind more effectively. Over the past few years I’ve learned by watching my co-workers, friends, and family that in order for me to accomplish my goals I must first complete my education.
So I just did some basic editing, corrected certain sentences, and moved some words around to make it flow better. I think it sounds like a great essay, the only problems I think you have are: the tangent you go on about a beauty shop (i think you should cut that out completely), and the last sentence should be more moving. Otherwise good job! ----------------------------------------------------------- I can still hear my peers in my fifth grade class explaining how they all wanted to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, basketball players, or somebody famous when they grew up. However, that was not me. Although I hadn't decided on a career to pursue yet, I knew that I eventually wanted to make something of myself and be successful in life. Over the years, I have attended at least eleven different schools. Most of these changes were due to my family seeking medical treatment for my younger brother. I don't feel bitter about these adjustments, for I learned to cope and express myself through writing and poetry Education is my biggest priority in my life right now. My objective is to complete college with a master’s degree in Health Care administration and to obtain a bachelor’s degree in Business. I understand that in college I will not have anyone there to push me, or make me strive to take advantage of my education. I’ll have to work and study on my own. I have a strong passion for helping people. I love giving advice to my family, as well as my friends. I am currently working as a counselor at “The Epilepsy Foundation of NJ” in a program called “Out-N-About”. Our basic goal is to offer disabled teens and young adults with recreational and socialization opportunities. We take them bowling, shopping, to the movies, and many outings to restaurants. Working with disabled individuals has taught me a lot. It has taught me how to have patience and that even though they have a handicap, it does not mean that they are not capable of living like everyone else. Becoming a Health Care Administrator has not always been a something I wanted to do with my life. I had formerly wanted to go to school for nursing but, because of my huge phobia of blood I figured I should major in the next best thing. Ever since my younger brother was diagnosed with cancer at an early age, I have always wanted to work in a hospital helping people that are not in good health. I also want to open up my own hair salon. I don’t plan to work in it; I just want to own it. Doing hair was something I have always done since I was about thirteen or fourteen years old. One of the reasons why I decided not to go to school for cosmetology is because, I easily get bored with doing hair. I plan to open up my first beauty salon in Georgia and then expand to different states across the East Coast. I want to make a difference. I know I can, but first I need to learn how to use my mind more effectively. Over the past few years I’ve learned by watching my co-workers, friends, and family that in order for me to accomplish my goals I must first complete my education.
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